Five Ways to Assist and Support LGBTQIA+ Children During Holiday Gatherings
- Brooks Stroman
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
The holidays can be a fun time to gather as a family; however, for LGBTQIA+ youth, you may see signs of apprehension or isolation around members who are non-affirming. They may have been approached by family members in the past who think the child expressing their LGBTQIA+ experience is offensive. You may have noticed that your child has come out or is using new pronouns with you and schoolmates, but hasn’t with family yet. The good news is if you’re reading this, you know your child is a member of the LGBTQIA+, which means they trust you enough to be open and vulnerable with you. However, you may still be looking for a few tips on how to navigate the upcoming family gathering /holiday.
First things first The first thing on your mind may be “what if someone is purposely non-affirming, transphobic, or homophobic?”. The idea of this situation might make you think, “I
need to protect or stand up for my child,” which may make you feel upset and angry. But “anger
is the messenger of injustice”. Anger is not our enemy but rather a signal for awareness. So what
happens when someone has committed an injustice against your child, and you would like to
reestablish it? Process the validity of those feelings and thoughts with (preferably a mental
health provider) or a close friend. Next, use that info you've gained about yourself to create a
plan and navigate some scenarios:
Think about whether you would want to discuss the injustice with the offender in front of the child and family, or if you want to pull them to the side. - “What you said was disrespectful. Don’t speak to my child that way.” - To the child: “Hey, you okay? I got it.” To the offender: “Let's talk in the other room.”
Consider how you would want to navigate the injustice with a close relative (grandparent) versus someone who was invited to the event.
Know where your boundaries lie and have a backup/departure plan. For example, “Hey, I heard what you said, and it sounds like you were attempting to enforce your opinion on my child disrespectfully. I won't allow it.”
Put it in your pocket: Now that you know how you would like to handle scenarios, write down
some of those phrases that you feel would instill justice for the kiddo. Checking in with your
feelings early allows you to process that you may initially want to react with yelling or returning disrespect to a non-affirming relative, but may want your response to be one controlled by you rather than the words of others. Considering this prior to the family gathering also gives you the opportunity to model for your kid how to act justly for themselves without allowing the harsh words of others to control their responses.
Recruit those who would like to support
Talk to your open/ affirming family member who supports your kid. Speak honestly about how you're feeling and thinking, and ways that you want to support your child.
What is your comfort level talking to relatives about gender and sexual orientation? If you're more comfortable, others will be too.
You know that your kids feel safe and protected with you, now see how you can spread that support through the family. So if they want to come out, they say, “I'd like to make an
announcement with the support of my parents, aunt, and family friend.”
If you have other members of the LGBTQIA+, ask them how they navigated going to family gatherings and what they may do differently.
Talk with your support about speaking with older generations earlier than the event. By talking to the family early, you recognize and validate that certain attitudes about some things can't change overnight; it may take time. Also, by including the early family, they can start to practice pronouns and names if your child is exploring gender expression.
Talk openly with your family member about how you may respond if someone intentionally misgenders or is intentionally non-affirming. See if they are open to being a part of the prepared plan.
Check in with your kid before the event
By checking weeks before, you remind them that they matter and you stand with them. Also, if you have kiddos at dating age, you can ask about bringing a date home.
Ask about their apprehensions or fears: for some youth, you should directly ask, “What are the things that make you anxious about this gathering? Or how can I better support you at this gathering ?”. For other kiddos, you can have more natural or relaxed conversations of “what relative don't you like and why,” or “ I notice you never want to talk to this relative, why is that?”
- Their fear may come from statements and questions like “ you're not gay/trans, are you ?”
(Homophobia /transphobia), “ you know those colors are for girls/boys, right?” (Strict adherence to gender norms), or “ we don't do pronouns in my house” (confusion).
There may also be no unwelcoming/non-affirming relatives, but the kid may be nervous
about using new pronouns or discussing a same sex partner. They may want to be out to
certain family members but not others.
- Discuss your prepared plan, and both your thoughts on how to address intentional and
unintentional misgendering or non-affirming remarks.
Make sure to also ask what/who brings joy about the holidays for them? Do they have a
relative that they are already comfortable with, cousins, a favorite Uncle, etc? For me, it was an aunt who listened openly without judgment. Both before and after I came out, she would help me with relative's questions and remind me that I can love a person and set a boundary. For older youth (16-18), they may have developed a “chosen family” with whom they communicate and gather with like a family. See if your kiddo has a group of friends that they want to visit with or invite.
During the visit
If the older kids bring a partner, treat the partner with respect for the identity they have
indicated, and like a family member.
If there is an intentional misgendering or non-affirming comment, there may be a very real human feeling of anger if you realize someone is mistreating your child. Remember, it's about acting in justice for your child. Use your prepared plan.
If your kid is of non-binary or trans experience, and there is an unintentional misname or misgender, step in and remind them that it may be hard, but it's doable.
Treat your kid with the same treatment you would give to anyone else. Remember, this is a family event; mostly people want to sit around talking, eating, and playing games. If you need to step in a convo, it's about showing up for the child and not making an example out of or returning disrespect to a non-affirming family member. Any time you stand up in a just way for your kiddo, you're modeling how to do so for themselves.
Check in with yourself and kiddo after the visit to see how things went.
What went well? What do you want to do differently next time?
If there was an unintentional or intentionally non-affirming situation, ask them their feelings and thoughts about it?
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